In
the Vomiting Dies Everythingbones breaking brittle
casket-wrapped chilled shivering warmth
sticky wrapping cellophane crinkle
chains clinking, dragging heavy balls
brick walls dusty crumbling
falling, caving, crawling
arms stretched apart finger spikes
head cutting the right silhouette
dark glow naked white light
soft belly exposed knife rips tearing
silent blood spillage sloshing
acid burns dissolving and eating
frayed edges and rough rays
iron spikes drawing pieces of flesh
lumps, heavy slick slime
veins exposing large humps
dark caverns, gaping lips, wounds
stomach cut, womb exposed empty
you eat from there, head bowed
shoulders hunched, growling, grunting
rocking rhythm movements grinning
eyes shut, tongue extended pointing
licking, sucking, swallowing, drooling
I think you got your fill
empty, drained dark red silence
weak calm-centered exhaustion
shed this carcass it has been used
offered up for abuse and drunk dry
I watch myself tear rolling slowly
shoulders shaking, stomach weak
burning to my extremities, tingling
empty, heart bolting out of time
flighty shaking, shaking help me small
body wrapped up tightly in a ball
walls shrieking calls echoing running
up and down in and out eternal halls
dust flying, webs clinging, breaking
hair catching snagging on nails
clutching knees and head drawn in
getting to the center rushing, gulping
hollow empty darkness and melancholy
shriek scream and cry why help
apathy, blank stare, eyes vacant
you can't reach me here, bubble
burst solid stone lining laying cement
mirrors reveal twisted caricatures
faces hollow distortions shadows
eyes of death and dark deception
lying to myself
mouth open, agitated animation talking
whispers, obnoxious songs, cat sounds
clinging to bannisters and standing on
plush synthetic carpets with naked toes
rubbing myself here, lint is removed
dead skin sinks deep within piles
stacks of books, new unbroken spines
waiting to be hunched over
in late night hungry-busy
can't sleep toss anxiety sick
delirium of expanding caterpillar
pipecleaner colors in my throat
and suffocation
big soft greasy impression pressing
pillars crumbling bent at angles
in corners, rooms sucking in their cheeks
inhaling, trapped in lungs
compression help head, the light
particles are being sucked out, no oxygen
I am breaking up cracking
shattering glass goblet of crystal
smashed after a toast (new year's eve party)
you flung me to the hearth with a song
in resolution crash
irretrievable parts flying slivers
lodged in walls
stars moving outward in the sky
blackhole center of me and looking for this
nightmare nightmare nightmare
wake up rushing running help speed
to the toilet bowl and dark water
vomit endless repeating vomit help
vomit stomach hollow empty
sucking in on itself collapse clutching wall
For a moment orgiastic visions of energy, hope
love glowing like golden sunlight
the halos of meadow grass soft
diffusion petroleum jelly vision
smeared lens drifting happy innocence
a hand firm and solid unbelievably real
help me gripping lightly, no claws
no fangs or raised hackles
seeing you somewhere at the edge
of a now familiar perception
lost in some view of truculence and diffusion
I hoped you felt as I did pledging
little fears squeezed away
a hug, a handheld unity you-are-with-me
I know, always, forever,
never
fool regret dark blood clot regret
I opened myself vulnerable soft and was eaten,
you leaving me with nothing but my shell
helpless self-absorbed suck
in protective destruction abstraction
fear sweat drenched palms nailed dreams
to memorial stones
you climbed a cross and were crucified
(you pretended)
you lay down in a grave and died
(you lied)
crying clutching clinging fanatic obsession
need must have will die insanity
fuck you hate you rage squirm
I bought a knife and thought of killing you
the kind of knife they kill alligators with
burning, blind grit teeth eyes narrow
beast ready to spring pounce steal
collapse empty drained be dead
DO SOMETHING TO ME NOW
nothing void silence dull colored gray
dreams vivid — I can see those days
the soft fur around the neon lights
the jutting against dark sky
prophesy I saw it coming
heard it crash quietly in the distance
went back to sleep smiling
hugged your back, turned tight
petting the dragon in the night
his head turned in love
so as not to burn me
shock wake up now it's over and
that's all no note suicide no funeral
see the lights dimmed, near the dirge
walk the rows and rows of small deaths
white stones green grass
monuments forgotten plotted empty
disintegrated earth ash cold damp
choked with smoke you turned to breath
smiling, hand so dry wrinkled
old so worn so tired, drained
eyes echoing mine, blind
turning around you walked away confident
quick, sure, I'm okay, yes, I will survive
I stood watching you knowing
after turning the bend you ran and ran
ran wind rushing past in tunnel vision
cold air biting lungs ran
the hell away from me
thinking back maybe but never daring to
look lest you lose willpower weak man
hollow me out with little weak slivers
dagger sharp barb pain torture
wrenching destruction inside and out
twisting turning to face the night
dark outside horizons of long ago
faraway visions of yes, the sun
without life, somehow dance and smile?
and eventually drunk or emptied out
say goodnight sleeping tablets by my head
in the morning the sun doesn't rise
it's a kind of winter storm outside
curtains drawn spines to break
absorb, sponging at my crime, waste of gray
time filled with pages and pages
just like this
words of nothing
meaningless visions and ideas
moving images sinking in and
disappearing
looking in the mirror reflected skeleton
white face framed in freakish dark halo
eyes shadowed and dark
pupils dilated, mouth flat expressionless
I wear a mask as plain as day
I try to remember I love you
you make my heart feel warm
I feel so much for you
you and I together is real
I want you to be held
I want to hold you
maybe none of that
it sounds sick and hollow
meaningless and twisted
destroyed something nothing everything
think I'm looking at remembering
do you know at all? understanding
that was the dream in the furry meadow world
fury and the flurry of fantastical flight
mind going hell-bent to the light
searching, finding, losing...lost, lost
alone lonely limping along clutching myself
to my own breast in repulsed affection
in sickness loving sickness dying together
wandering scuffling through dried up leaves
shifting the sands with my sticky hands
the lovers kissing with parched lips
I loved you first, I loved you best
there is no one else in all the rest
I think I loved you last panic
rhyming rocking rhythm rhetoric
innocent child face uplifted neck snapped
the end.